B is for…

I ate too much today.

As a result, this baby bump feels twice as big.

I went to a baby shower for a friend today…and ate a shit ton of little pinwheel things. And cake. And I had three mocktails. Then I came home and Mikel made sage sausage gravy and biscuits…one of my favorites. I ate the shit out of that. Then we went to Lowe’s and suddenly I wanted ice cream. So I ate 2/3 of a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. And I drank the hell out of some apple juice, too.

Overall, I’m feeling fantastic. So fantastic that I keep waiting for the crappy stuff to kick in. As soon as I got pregnant, that’s mostly what people told me about. “Oh, you’re gonna be feeling awful soon.” “Morning sickness is around the corner, get ready!” “Heartburn and back aches are going to make you miserable!” “Your skin is going to freak out and your boobs will go to shit.”3rdtrimester

I haven’t really experienced any of that. Or any of the other million things I’ve been warned about by books, pregnancy apps, the doctors, experienced mothers or random strangers. While that makes me feel like a super hero and I’m incredibly grateful to have gotten this far (28 weeks) with no issues, I’m still expecting some hell to break loose any day now.

I’m not in love with my boobs these days. They weren’t exactly small to begin with, so by this point they are comically large. I feel like Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter. I gotta keep these thangs under tight wraps in order to not feel like I’m offending the general population. Plus I don’t want them getting in my way…or any one else’s.Beth

My feet have grown half a size. Which doesn’t really bother me. I’m a size 9 now…so whatever. I still have ankles at this point, so swelling hasn’t become an issue.

My skin is clearer than it’s been in forever and ever and ever. I’m actually worried about what it’s gonna do once I have the baby. Is my face gonna become one giant zit?

I don’t care for maternity clothes. You remember when your mom would buy you clothes when you were like, 13 years old? They were technically your size, but you were all awkward and unsure of what your style really was, but whatever she’d gotten you most definitely was NOT it. So you’d put on the jeans or khakis she’d picked out and they felt horrible. They were tight in weird places while managing to be loose in all the worst places. They came up super high and if you were a girl, they gave you a polterwang (when the excess fabric in the crotch of your pants folds in such a way as to look like you’re packing some serious heat. You have a ghost wiener. A polterwang.) polterwang

THAT’S WHAT MATERNITY CLOTHES FEEL LIKE. They feel super awkward and they fit strangely and I feel like everybody is looking at how uncomfortable I look. So I’ve opted to stick with my usual clothes…just in bigger sizes. And leggings are a huge must. Jeans, under wire bras, pants of any kind? All those are basically dead to me.

So while I’m feeling fantastic and all that good, wonderful stuff, I’m tweaking my baby registry every few days. I’m booked solid at work, making bank to squirrel away for maternity leave. I’m sleeping in every chance I get. I’m trying to get rid of clutter (which Mikel is fighting me on constantly.) And I’m trying to get things handled that need handling. belly

This belly is starting to interfere with simple tasks. I’m loving it, though. Each day I feel a little bit bigger and I feel the baby tap dancing around in there. Things are becoming more and more real the bigger I get.

Ok, I’m gonna go look at baby stuff online now.




Belly Full of Baby

So I’m sitting on the couch while my husband plays video games. I’ve got a pillow propped on my pregnant belly and the laptop sitting on the pillow. I’m in the mood to research, prepare, make lists, compare options.

We are having a baby boy at the end of May and we are so SO excited. We were hoping so very hard for a boy and hot damn, we are getting one!

I’m 21 weeks pregnant at this point and I’m actually showing in a very “hey, your gut is quite rounded…not just chubby” sort of way. I’ve started to be able to feel him dancing around in there and I love it. I’m excited for bigger nudges and kicks. I think it’s super cool.

21 weeks

Anyhow, I’m living where I don’t have blood relatives or super duper ultra close friends. That means I don’t have anyone who heard I was pregnant and immediately got started on scheming a kick ass baby shower for me. Which is totally fine and honestly, being the introverted hermit I am, not exactly surprising. I figured I’d be in charge of planning the whole shabang myself, start to finish. My mom wants to help as much as she can, but she lives 10 hours away.


I’m a planner. I like to get started on big projects as soon as possible to avoid any stress or panic. This means I started thinking of possible locations for a baby shower like two months ago. After playing with a few ideas, the best, most logical, most convenient, most affordable option was opened up to us: Mikel’s parent’s house!

This was decided/agreed on/accepted maybe two weeks ago and I couldn’t be more thrilled. It’s a beautiful home with a huge lovely yard and it’s incredibly generous of Mikel’s family to offer their home as party-central.

I’m not very good at asking for help or favors. I worry that I’m putting someone out or making them feel pressured in some way to do what I’ve asked of them. But my mother in law has assured me that she doesn’t feel put out or any of that stuff. So we are meeting up to compare notes and discuss ideas (or “ideals” as she so adorably says) for the shower. I’ve been thinking up ideas an details for quite a while…since I really thought it would be up to me to sort everything out. But I’m passing my ideas on to my mother in law and letting her take the reigns. It’s a really strange feeling for me, but I definitely don’t hate it. I’m really grateful to have someone wanting to do something like this for me.


So I’ve been making lists. And then more lists. I’ve been price checking and bargain hunting and writing down what I find. It’s not even because I want to have control or anything and I’m certainly not wanting anything specific beyond basic theme and colors. I just feel like I’m achieving something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I’m just doing what comforts me. It’s fun. It’s relaxing. I love love love making lists and researching options and ideas.


If none of it’s used, that’s totally fine with me. Like I said, it’s just fun to piece together components for a party.

It’s kind of like how I always fill my online shopping cart with items and then rarely actually buy any of it. It’s fun to pretend. It’s fun to be reckless and spontaneous…and then safely back away without having actually followed through. We did the same thing when we bought Powerball tickets; we paid off debts, bought a house, hired a maid, booked flights and hotels around the world, took my mom to Greece, quit our jobs, etc. It was a lot of fun and we put a lot of time and thought into the specifics. All from the safety of our imaginations. I dig that.

Dere’s a baby in dere.

So it’s been a minute. Remember the big deal news I mentioned before? I can tell you now.

I’m pregnant as fuck!

I’m 16 weeks, I feel awesome, my boobs are out of control, we don’t know what the sex is yet, and I’m starting to need maternity clothes.

We planned to have a baby, so this is a super happy situation we find ourselves in. Oddly, three of my friends are pregnant, too. We are all with child and conceived within a few weeks of each other. How does that happen? We didn’t plan it…we didn’t have a pregnancy pact with each other or anything.

Also, I was worried at first that I was doing this pretty late in the game. I’m 32 years old. My mom had me when she was 21…and from what I understand, that used to be the norm. I’ve noticed that most girls seem to be waiting until they are in their late 20’s, 30’s or even early 40’s to have a baby. It’s a relief to know I’m not alone or abnormal. And shit knows I was NOT in any position to have a baby when I was 21. I can’t even imagine how that would’ve panned out.

I feel like a big (huge) contributing factor for me was finding the right man to be a parent with. My husband has a 7 year old daughter. She was 4 when we started dating. The first time I saw him interacting with her and being so patient, loving, kind and silly, I shifted my feelings about having children. Before my ovaries started unthawing at the sight of them, I had NO interest in having a child. I was definitely going to die childless and worldly, having spent all my money on travel. I wouldn’t have to handle copious amounts of poop, puke or pee. I’d buy clothes for myself and my dog and I’d get drunk every night, joyful that I could sleep in everyday.

Shit changed, yo. Mikel is a great dad. I wanted to be a great mom. I love my stepdaughter and think the world of her. She’s an amazing kid. But I wanted to have a child. Make one, carry one, birth one, raise one.

So here we are. And we are both super excited. And when I tell you pregnancy boobs are no joke, let me just tell you that my head fits inside my bra cups. Mikel is astounded at them on a daily basis. I have to put a lot more thought into my wardrobe choices than I’m used to because I don’t want to be indecent.

I wish I could wear yoga pants everyday. And flip flops. Maybe I will. Fuck it.

We find out the sex in January.

Mad Madame vs. Hot Garbage

I have a friend who is an adult entertainer. When she’s out of town, travelling hither and thither for work, I tend to her 3 cats. My services are required twice a month, meaning I’ve got to drive on the interstate twice as much as I ever want to. People are incredibly awful drivers when they are let loose on an interstate…especially in Florida. But the cats need feeding and their shitbox needs cleaning.

So I’m on day 4 of cat duty and I made a discovery while I was over there.

Juliette Has A Gun - Mad Madame - $110 asshole dollars.
Juliette Has A Gun – Mad Madame – $110 asshole dollars.

I found this gorgeous bottle sitting on the dresser in the bedroom. (I wasn’t snooping. I was in there trying to check on Minerva, the elusive cat that is always hiding.) I wanted to smell it…wouldn’t you? Look at it! It looks all mysterious and interesting and fascinating and the name of it pings around in your imagination, making you curiouser and curiouser.  So I smelled it and I’m a terrible friend because I sprayed some on me. I didn’t think it was too big a deal until I got home and looked it up…that bottle of smelly-good ain’t cheap. But oh my lands. It smells so so so SO so great. Read this description: “When perfumer Romano Ricci set out to create an elegant ode to the classic rose, his noble intentions were foiled by a lab technician who accidentally added too much cetalox, a synthetic substitute for grey amber, to the mix. The serendipitous mistake turned out for the best, since it resulted in Mad Madame, a bewitching blend of sophisticated notes and modern musky scents.”


Conversely, as I sit here typing and taking deep whiffs of myself, I caught a whiff of Nitro’s breath. Dear me. He smells like garbage. Hot garbage. Apparently Mikel fed him some garlic and boy HOWDY was that a SWELL idea. Nitro likes to smack his lips once he finally settles down and with each smack, a gust of garbage breath comes puffing in my direction. This is only after a complex process involving lots of honking, whining, eventual dedication to jumping on the couch, clumsy spinning, insistence that someone cover him with a blanket, grunting about which direction he wants to face, and a final defeated flop down for a nap. This dance takes as long as 30 minutes to complete and will have to restart if anyone dares get up from the designated seating arrangement. Watching anything on TV proves an exercise in patience when Nitro decides to start the process of settling down.

He’s pissed at me right now because I wouldn’t let him lay his head on the keyboard. This resulted in angry grunting and a firm stance as he won’t budge from his spot, no matter how much you nudge. Mikel kicked him off the couch for being so pushy and now he’s on the porch, (we’ve got the front door propped open, so the screened-in porch is accessible) grumping and honking around.

I’m off to eat dinner and watch Mikel play Fallout 4. I’m constantly concerned about where Dogmeat is and if he’s happy. dogmeat-fallout-4

“I Regret Nothing” is less romantic than “Je Ne Regrette Rien”…

A few observations I’d like to share…

  1. Never have I played or sang a song that so clearly irritated Mikel that he aggressively let me know he hated everything about it…until this evening. On the way home from dinner, I was playing my Spotify 2001-2005 College Playlist and an Edith Piaf song came on. This one. It’s super fun to warble along to and I continued my warbling after we’d arrived home and come inside. He was reorganizing our Lego shelf (we will need another shelf soon) while I was warbling the shit out of some French-ish nonsense and he completely stopped what he was doing, looked at me with total irritation that I’ve never seen from him before and said, “Seriously?! How do you not know how irritating that is?!” I couldn’t and still can’t stop giggling about it.
  2. Nitro has begun laying on rugs the same way Gertie does. For some reason this amuses me greatly.
    This isn't them on a rug but it's real real cute.
    This isn’t them on a rug but it’s real real cute.

    Usually he just paces until he can get up on whatever surface we are on but I’m left to assume that he gets tired of balancing on his little stilts and tiptoe hooves on slippery floors so he finds a rug and just waits for someone to come along and either feed him something or let him outside. He’s becoming more and more awesome. He doesn’t dash across my lap anymore, but he does still enjoy dumping the contents of the bathroom garbage can out and then honking through the house as if he wants a round of applause.

  3. I’ve been struggling with the usage of “begun” in that previous observation. I feel uncomfortable with it yet I don’t really want to rewrite the sentence. Just know I’m not entirely at peace with using that word. It’s weird.
  4. English toast is my new jam. And butter. Ok ok ok. So I experience ASMR and I was enjoying an ASMR youtube video that happened to be a thorough how-to about how to make Englist toast. In the three days since learning of this beautiful creation, we’ve gone through an entire loaf of bread. Mikel loves it almost as much as I do and I’m pretty sure I’ve really been missing out on the greatness that is jam. My mom never really put jam or jelly on things for me when I was little…especially not peanut butter sandwiches. Why? Because she didn’t care for it. So I missed out on the flirty relationship of pb&j for 32 years because my mom didn’t care for it. I kept poor peanut butter all alone and sticky and sad all those years because I just didn’t know how perfect things could be. Because my mom didn’t care for it. I’m not in therapy over it or anything, so it’s fine. I just feel like I have a lot of trust issues to rebuild with jelly and jam. I can’t just take it for granted. I’ve got to let it know how much I regret avoiding a relationship with it for all these years.
  5. I’ve got some pretty big deal news to share in the near future and it’s been a distracting feature in my life…which explains my blogging absence. I’ll loosen my lips on the subject when the time is right but until then just know that if I’m not blogging, I’m binge watching Netflix under a pile of dog and pig. Some things just can’t be helped.

7.  Mikel’s birthday is in a few days and, because I’m kind of amazing, I decided to get him a week’s worth of presents to open each day of the week leading up to his big day. 12208616_993058027180_5789488159729304641_nHe never has really gotten an amazing birthday with total fun and attention so I want to change that so he’ll be excited about his birthday…the way I am. (“Feel how I feel!!!”) I think I want to do this every year. It’s just as much fun for me as it is for him. It helps that I’m pretty amazing at gift-giving. My mom passed on that skill to me. Thanks Marm!

Alright, I’m gonna go be lazy. I’ve got a huge day tomorrow at the salon. I’m booked open to close (yay!) so I’m gonna need some extra energy.

Oh! One last thing…what were you for Halloween? I was Red from Orange Is The New Black!

Stanky Skanks

So I started working on my wishlist.

The first thing I thought to add was Ylang Ylang and Myrrh lotion from Bath and Body Works.ylangylang Did you know that stuff is around $50? I suppose it’s because it’s not being made anymore, which is horse shit. That is my favorite scent and they’re all, “Keep pumping out the Sun Ripened Assberry, guys! Where is that shipment of Cucumber Smellon?”

All my favorites last for such a hot minute…and I’m not into following when different scents are released, so I never really know when the ones I love are made available again. But Honeysuckle, Iced Pineapple, White Tea and Ginger, Green Tea and Clover, Coconut Lime Verbena, Country Apple…YLANG YLANG AND MYRRH. Dayyum.


I just looked at a list of their scents and they’ve renamed some classics. Whatever. Sun Ripened Raspberry smells like the locker room from 6th grade. Mixing that sickeningly sweet smell with sweat and hormones does not a lovely concoction make. Between girls having fights in their Tweety Bird bra and pantie sets and girls discovering they’re Umbro shorts had been stolen (mine were totally stolen and I was devastated), spritzes of Sun Ripened Raspberry were going off all over the damn place.

Similarly, Cucumber Melon brings me back to the hallways of high school. It was slathered on every girl during class so she’d smell super great between classes when she’d see that hot boy she’d “run into” on the way to her locker. I remember my boyfriend at the time reeking of Cucumber Melon and it made me livid. “What skank rubbed her grimy hands all over you with that awful lotion?” Turns out he asked to use some, thinking it would impress me. That didn’t go as planned. Lol.

In other news, I think I’m sick. I’ve got the full body aches…including head ache. Fuzzy vision. Fever. Exhaustion. I’d planned on doing laundry and cleaning the house this weekend, but HA. Nope. I’m useless. I ate breakfast (that Mikel lovingly made for me), went out to the porch with coffee (that Mikel lovingly made for me), drank two sips and realized I needed to crawl back in bed.

On that note, I’m laying back down. Leave me a message if you need my address so you can send me gifts. Please and thank you.

I’ll be getting a beeper next…


Why is this hot-shit news?

Because a) I’ve never owned a laptop ever ever ever.

b) I’ve not had my own computer of any kind in many a year.

c) Holy crap I can take this thing with me and type anywhere and look like a hip person with a hip life.

d) I can post more regularly! I can just ramble and such so much more often!

e) I can put stickers on this thing.

f) I can go to a coffee shop and set this thing up and drink my coffee and look so busy and focused and everyone will be all, “Man. That girl has got her shit together. I mean, do you see how she has a laptop? Check out how she’s using the keyboard all properly and shit. Whoa. Oh rad, did you notice her Garbage Pale Kids sticker? She’s alright. Let’s give her gifts.”

g) I can make a wishlist and save it for all those moments when people just want to buy me gifts. (I suspect it’ll be pretty often now.)

h) I can change the wallpaper to reflect my interests and my coolness. When all my admirers in the coffee shop notice it, they will be so impressed.

i) I love making lists. I can make so many lists on this and I can save so many trees by not using paper. I can make a list of all my lists. I can divide all my lists up into categories. “Things To Buy”, “Things To Do”, “Anxiety Related Things”, “Things I Want But Will Never Buy”, “Plans”, “Things For Other People To Buy For Me”, “People I Know”, “People I Would Like To Forget”, “How To Forget People”.

j) If I’m ever in a class, I can take notes on my laptop like college kids do in every movie or TV show where there are college classes. Can I just mention…I went to college and there was maybe one person in each class that took notes on a laptop. I mostly found those people irritating because it was just overkill. It seems like only law school students require a laptop for class. That’s what I pieced together from “How To Get Away With Murder” and “Legally Blonde” and ….others.

Anyway, hi guys.

I’m really sorry for being gone for a real long time. There are many factors involved in my absence. The main one being that I was using my husband’s desktop computer. He started playing Arc or Ark or something and it was the most time consuming game ever and it’s so dumb because all your hard work and all your stuff can be stripped away in seconds by any asshole that wanders by your shit on the game.

That’s just one part of things. I also don’t like using a desktop very much. I feel stuck and trapped and irritated and ready to get up and go somewhere with coffee.

And I’m kinda easy to distract. I’ve been reading, watching Netflix, coloring, working, snuggling and writing lists. So I’m sorry. Things are gonna be so different now. You’ll see. You’ll probably even ask me what gifts you can buy for me.

I’ll let you know when I get started on that particular list.